it's about time I come clean. I am NOT the social, outgoing, fun person I pretend to be. I am actually quite the opposite. I'm a homebody. I don't like surprises, and trying new things is really NOT my cup o' tea.
last night I was supposed to go meet up with some local bloggers for dinner up in Bellevue. some of these gals I have met before, and some I have not. some I really like, and some I just haven't gotten to know.
at the last minute I chickened out. I don't know why. I decided I didn't want to drive ALL the way to Bellevue (too far from home?). I worried that I would feel like I didn't belong (I am about 10 years older than the group). it just brought back memories of high school and always wanting to fit in with the "in crowd", although I AM a grown up now, and I DO realize that there really is no such thing as the "in crowd."
so I bailed at the last minute, and went on a much needed date with my hubby (which is a whole other story), but now I'm full of regret. regret that I am NOT that other Rachel, the one who will go anywhere, do anything at the drop of a hat. the one who doesn't get filled with anxiety at the silliest things.
this is me. take it or leave it.
28 comments:
I hear you...I think I would have done the same. I sit at home all the time, sometimes I will go out for a play date or out with my hubs, but for the most part I am just comfortable being at home-in my jammies. I love to dress up and have fun, but as I've gotten older, I am just more picky about when that is! And when it is meeting new people or people I hardly know, home just is more comfortable :)
The older I get, the more picky I get about how I spend my free time. Family and close friends are number one on my list and the thought of driving a long ways to meet up with people I don't know very well just doesn't excite me. Don't feel bad, I love who you are and it cracks me up how much we have in common after all these years.
The feeling of not belonging is scary, even if it's often mostly created by our imagination. I think we can all relate to what you feel about the "in-crowd". And there's nothing wrong with that, it's simply normal. I often avoid those situations, because I chicken out, even if it makes me miss out some fun at times..
Totally understandable!!! I feel that way about lots of situations. I went to a company Christmas party this year for a job I had just started and felt mortified walking through the door. It's hard to put yourself out there sometimes!!
Don't feel bad. You are so not alone. I feel like that quite often as well. But at least you had a nice date night! :)
Oh, I'm having a new linkup tomorrow. You should come check it out :)
I totally appreciate your authenticity in this post, Rachel, especially because I can very much relate. However, I'm pretty sure that your little group of gal pals is the "in crowd".
If the DC area had blogger meet-up's, I would probably agree to go, but there is a good possibility I would chicken out at the last minute. You shouldn't feel bad, but if you regret your decision this time you should try to go the next time they do it! Hope you enjoyed your date night!!
I'm totally that way. The awkwardness I just cannot handle sometimes. I kind of have to have a #1 friend that I can glom onto so I don't feel like such a dork. It really is hard. And btw- if you're 10 yrs. older than those gals, than I'm at least 15 years older and that makes a difference to me too. I'd love to be outgoing and cool, but I'm just a major awkward dork. Except that you kind of can't tell over the internet. But I think you can.
Good post, glad you said it out loud because I think a lot of people feel that way too.
I'm a bit closer then Belleview ;) I'm pretty shy in real life and I get get really nervous when meeting new people too. I'm always afraid that people aren't going to like me for whatever reason. I know two people here and I only know them because we were stationed in Germany together a few years ago.
Bellevue, WA? I would love to get together with local bloggers.
I'm a phony too, I take a deep breath and fake it until I feel comfortable. It's nuts, but I'm terrified of meeting new people - but I've learned to get through it; but when I'm not feeling it, then I stay home too.
Like you, I'm a home body. I would love work from home, that's my dream and I'm working hard to make it come true.
Hope to meet you some day if you are in or near Washington.
rock on girl! I think you are awesome and who you are is exactly who you are meant to be. I like yah just the way you are:).
I can understand that completely. I tend to be an out going person, but I still blow things off sometimes because I feel shy about going. I think having a date with your hubby is a lot more fun anyway. :)
I take it. I think you are cool and I would have been honored to sit with you at lunch - in high school or now.
I am a hermit. I get nervous meeting any new people, especially in a group. The more time I have to think about it - the worse it is. Oh well.
We are two peas in a pod! I do that kind of stuff all the time! I cannot stand to be in a room where I don't really know anyone and feel like I don't belong. So I end up missing out on a lot to avoid those situations. We should form a club. ;)
Oh, I will TOTALLY take it. Love you.
I understand! I'm like Kimberly. I take a deep breath and fake it till I feel comfortable. Yet usually works!
I ran across this yesterday and now I know it was meant for me to bring it to you. http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2012/02/on-authenticity-tell-us-something-true.html
My best to you :)
I enjoy your writing very much.
I think this is totally normal. At least it is for me.
I've felt that way with some runners who blog and have meet ups. They are young and me, well, I'm older than they are. Nothing in common really but running. I suppose that should be enough but I was afraid of sticking out like a sore thumb.
So don't feel bad. Maybe next time you can bring a friend. Hope you had fun with your husband though.
I will take your pretty self just the way you are because i know you will NEVER stress me out with silly things!!! Love you! xoxo
Totally understand. I'm the same way.
That's why I like online stuff... cause I don't have to be in a room full of people. ;)
I hear someone's going to form a club... :D
we missed you! i totally feel this same way...even going and being there i'm filled with anxiety and self-conciousness! i think there are a lot of us like that. :) hope you had a great date night!
rachel! i am the exact same way! but guess what?! the more i go out and just do things the better i feel about it. and i ALWAYS have such a fun time no matter where it is i go! honestly before anything like that i say two million times on the day of "im not going"! haha we missed you but am so happy to hear you got a much needed date night!! :)
I see by the comments that there are a lot of us out there...makes me wonder if, on some 'cosmic' level we're all really made for home and family and a few close friends. Sure is how I feel the older I get. You're one of the blogs I follow where I can genuinely say that I wish I knew you personally ~ and I think that's mostly cause I'm touched by your relationship with Grace ... and cause you have a spirit to learn and to share what you know. ....from the empty nester (that's me!) I will tell you you'll never regret choosing a date night over just about anything else!
Rachel, thank you so much for writing this. I am exactly the same way and am often guilty of being upset with myself because of it. I'm guessing it took a lot of guts for you to write this, but I'm so glad you did. It's clear from many of the comments that we are not alone. (Love Kate's suggestion of forming a club!)
I'm feeling the "older" thing. I'll be 53 next month, and most of my blogger friends are "mommy" bloggers. As a "granny" blogger, I don't always feel that I fit in. I'm finally stumbling across some other more senior bloggers.
We just have to remember that as adults, we have more in common that we have differences, no matter what our ages.
i think it has something to do with that new Number you just became...just wait till you're MY AGE! you'll want to wear PJs all day, every day off!
This is so me too! I hate hanging out with groups of people that I don't know very well. Sadly, I haven't found a way to get to know them without hanging out with them. I fear not fitting in. I am 22 but act like I am 35, at least!
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